Control freak

Being in control is satisfying. To be in so much control, you can make everything around you do as you want to, is an amazing feeling. To have that power. The meanest, but also most satisfying form of control, is to be able to control people. To look into their eyes, and read them like an open book, just to manipulate with them afterwards. Yup, it's very mean, and no one should ever do that to another person. It's just not easy to resist such a big temptation of full control.

Boys.. they're the easiest ones. Girls always know you're playing games, and they're almost always good at spotting if you're manipulating, but boys... they're different. They're so easy to twirl around your fingertip.. you don't have to try very hard. But if you're not cold as ice when it comes to feelings, you'll get hurt. Because at some point, when you're done with playing games, you'll end up breaking their hearts.

Anyways.. the biggest point of this thread is my personal problem. I cannot control myself. I can't understand the feelings I'm feeling, the thoughts I'm thinking, the things I'm longing for.. and it kills me not to be in control, since I pretty much always am. I really hope, that someday me and the people around me will get old enough to stop playing games, and just be completely honest with each other. Then I might begin to understand myself, and be able to control myself. Hah.. I wish.. not gonna happen.

- Kayleigh

Defines love

        "Love is like a war. Easy to start, difficult

          to stop, and never to forget,,

Just a heartless angel

Yup yup.. She looks amazingly beautiful. Long wings with soft and fragile feathers. Big blue eyes, soft skin, soft lips with a red tone. She knows she looks very sweet and beautiful, and she knows people thinks that she is a sweet and warm person. Always giving and always helping out. Always making people feel better, always listening, always advising. And yes, she is all those things. Only problem is, when you cut her chest open, you'll find no heart. It's not that someone ripped it out. She just haven't found that special one who can give her a heart yet. Because the truth is, that no matter how sweet and helpful she seems, she will take advantage of you in the end. She will try to steal your heart, and if she can't have it, or if it isn't good enough for her, she will break it. Crush it. It's horrible how everyone would probably think she's a mean girl, after knowing what she does to people.. but the truth is, she's only longing to be as good a person as she looks. She only fights to be what she really wants to be, she just doesn't know any better method than this. If you ever meet her, tell her that you know her story, be gentle to her, and don't let her crush you, as she did to so many other before you. Take your time to find her soft spots, and help her become that angel she's truly longing to be. Please. Give her a chance.

- Kayleigh

The missing feeling.

You're the only person who has ever made me feel that way. It sucks! Since everybody keeps getting sad about it.. writing songs and poems about it.. People kill themselves because of that feeling.. but it's a feeling I miss.. On the other site, I also miss the opposite. It's not just love I'm reffering to right here. It's rejection. The fact that you love someone more than they love you. Only once, have that happened to me. No one have ever broken up with me. It's always me who's the mean one... and I HATE that. I'm sick of ending up as the mean one, even when I'm trying to be as sweet as possible.
People always say I'm cute and sweet and beautiful. But I still don't feel like I'm good enough.. because I can't tell those things to people and mean it from deep inside my heart. I can't tell a person I love them while looking them in the eyes. I'm the evil one. And that's always how it ends.
The one person who didn't make me the evil one, is never going to give me a chance.. so fuck this.. If I'm really lucky, I'll meet someone who I can love as much as I love that person. As it is now.. it sucks.

I know this sounds so depressing.. but I don't have anyone else to tell how I feel, than this blog. My diary of feelings.. yup yup..

Frustration!

Have you guys ever been really close to someone.. and then for some reason you can't figure out, you slowly float apart.. I guess we've all experienced something alike.. with an ex-bf.. a friend from school or whatever. There's just one thing which is different this time. I know why it's happening. There's someone better than me. I'm not needed anymore...... Thanks for nothing. I'm sick of fighting for this!

I'll let Mayday Parade describe my feelings!

Bye.

Why are you whining?

People around me is whining a LOT! To whine is alright, if you need to tell someone how you feel, either because they can help you solve the problem, or because they can make you feel better about the whole situation. The last option is mostly if the person is a very close friend, your partner or a family member. But sometimes, people whine without any reason at all. I've noticed that teenagers is a group of people who's whining much more than any other age group. They whine just to whine. They whine because they don't have anything else to talk or converse about. And lately, it has annoyed me a lot.

If something irritates you, then you should try doing something about it. "I'm too fat", then loose some weight. "This task is way too difficult" then ask a teacher, or concentrate. "Me and my boyfriend never do anything together" then FIND something to do together, or maybe talk to him about how you feel, so he can help you solve the problem. But some things in life, is just unfair, and there's nothing to do about it. You just have to learn to accept it. If you can't accept it, then sign off. Get out of it. If you aren't good enough to solve the tasks in school, maybe you should pick another education. If the task is to easy, then for god's sake, be PATIENT. Some time, they will reach your level, and you can begin to learn something.

I know, that this blog is mostly me whining about stuff. But this is my space, to say whatever I want. Because sometimes it's easier to get through with a problem and do something about it, if I first gather all my thoughts, and think it all through, so I know what to do about my problem. Plus I think people might find it interesting to see that I might have the same problems as them.

I hate vacations

Yea I know. I'm not normal. Everybody loves vacations. Laying in bed all day, watching tv, eating candy, play PS3 or whatever... that's just not me. I don't mind being all snuggled up in a bed with a good movie every once in a while, but in the vacations, that seems to happen every day. Of course, I do have things to do. I hans out with my friends, and have a few workingdays etc. but the problem is the mornings. Everybody seems to sleep till like.. 1-2 pm.. and I only sleep till.. max 9 am. So there's these 4-5 hours where I get bored to death because I have absolutely nothing to do. I can maybe spend 1-2 hours playing piano and guitar, and 30 minutes playing with my dogs, but then there's still about 3 hours left where I can do absolutely nothing :c So.. I actually like going to school because then I have something to do, and I have my friends around me all the time. They're not sleeping at home in their beds -.-

The whole conclusion of this is that my least favorite thing to do is to be bored. It litterally kills me if I have nothing to do for too long. I guess that's why I'm always doing all my homework (almost always -.-).. and work all the time. It might not be very interesting, but at least it gives me something to do. I've always wondered hopw people can stand to go without a job and without any education for so long. The big vacation in summer time is almost killing me, so how in the world can people go through years without anything to do?!!! <.<... I simply don't get it.

Anyways.. I'm actually at work while writing this, so I guess I'll go back to some cleaning or something xD

Outstanding

She's tall and slim. Always looks like she has very deep and beautiful thoughts. She always looks like she's sighing.. just looking out the window, knowing how everyone admires her. She's pale, but in a beautiful way. She's untouchable and fragile. Everyone knows you have to handle her carefully, and to ever cause her any harm, seems like impossible in this dimension. She might look shy, but really, she's the most confident in the whole room. She can't move, but that's unnecessary, because as she stand there still, she's outstanding.

What she doesn't know, is on the other side of the wall, there's other just like her. She's not alone in this world. They're not pale like her. They have pretty pink cheeks, and looks just as beautiful as she does. Only problem is, they stand together, and that makes them look boring. They're not outstanding when they're not standing alone. They're all just one in the bunch - still beautiful - but not outstanding.

She doesn't know it, but it's the loneliness that makes her beautiful. It always will be, and she will never find out. She'll just keep standing in the window, sigh, and look outstanding.

My white orchid.

My great expectations

This was an essay we had to write in school. Thought I'd post it to you guys.

When I started writing about this, I realized how sensitive this topic is to me. I’m not sure I’m going to fill out the needed number of words, but that’s because I want to keep this essay to a certain level of honesty.

When I turned 8, I decided I wanted to become an actress when I grew up. The following years, I set up a lot of expectations to myself. I learned to sing, read sheet music, act, dance and be energetic no matter how tired or sick I was feeling. I participated in many different performances to improve all my skills. I worked as professional actress by the age of 9, and joined the girls’ choir of Copenhagen by the age of 12. I worked as hard as I could, both in school and on my great dream. But as the years passed by, I grew older, and people around me started to expect more from me. In the choir, the teachers picked out very few solo singers. I was chosen as the understudy for the mezzo-soprano soloist, but sadly the mezzo-soprano soloist never got sick. For 4 years I was told that I wasn’t good enough to be the best. I was only the second best.

The following years were horrible. I realized that my dreams of becoming an actress weren’t very realistic, since many people in Denmark tried to become actors, so I was just one in the bunch. And since I had taught myself I was only the second best, I never thought I would be able to get chosen at any auditions ever. After having given up my dream, I also started to give up on myself. I stopped socializing and pushed people around me away from me. I didn’t want anyone to come too close, afraid of letting them hurt me or make fun of me. I was lost. I had never felt so alone, and insecure. I didn’t have any ideas about what I wanted with my life, and I started focusing completely on my studies. I gave all my time to doing my homework, and aiming for the best grades. It did work fine, but it was only a cover for my small depression.

After a few years, I started to see that this was going nowhere. I decided to make a big change in my life, and pick up my old acting-dream. I went to a new school with music and theater as the main subjects. Every year the school had a big musical, and the auditions were getting close. I felt ready to give it a try, but that’s when I came to realize something. When you haven’t socialized for years, you have become a more shy and closed person, which is definitely not a good thing for an actress. I went to the auditions to learn all the dances and manuscripts, but sadly, I never dared showing up in front of the judgers. Again, I stopped trying and I had no idea what to do to move on. I didn’t want to go through another 3 years alone. I had to start all over.

That’s when I decided to go to Tårnby Gymnasium. I tried to be as open as possible, and to get new friends so I could feel comfortable being in school. So far, it has worked out amazing. The big test will come this year, when the musical is running at our school. I will do my best to participate as an actress, dancer or singer. The important thing for me is to be a part of it.

After going through all those changes in my life, I’ve realized that I’ve got to stop expecting things from myself, and I’ve got to stop letting people’s expectations have such a big influence on me. Maybe I’m not going to become an actress ever. But at least, I’ve chosen to study the subject that interests me the most: Music. I might become a big music composer like Danny Elfman. I might become a great actor like Johnny Depp. I might become a third thing I never thought about. For now, I only know that I have to stop expecting things from myself, and let the dreams guide me through my life.

Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable – Wendy Wasserstein

People changes

I've lately felt like people around me has changed a lot. I know I'm changing too, but I don't think we change in the same direction. I feel like I can't trust or depend on people the same way I used to. It might be a good thing, because I have started to be more independent, personally... But I also feel like I'm more alone now. I don't want to hang with people if there's just going to be awkward silence and no interesting conversations. And lately it's been me who started those conversations, every time.. both along family and friends. It's weird to go through all these changes...

But I know this is all just thoughts. In real life, I am, and always will be to naive to cut off people like that. I will always try to start conversations and do my best to become closer to the people around me. Maybe that's the best, since I try to be as optimistic as I can. Sometimes those doubtful thoughts just go through my head, and they always end up making me sad..... Yea I know I'm silly.

It's just.. hard when people change so much, you have no idea how they feel or think anymore.

Anyways.. I better start paying attention to french class now.

- Kayleigh

Do I dare?

Hello.

I've decided to start this new blog, because every once in a while, I feel like telling my opinion on something, and if people find it interesting, they should be able to hear about it.. I guess. So that's why I've started this blog.. so you all can get to know me on a little deeper level. I haven't decided yet what kind of blog this is going to be, but I think that'll depend on my mood and how my life's going. I hope I can keep this blog more active than my last one.. but you know, I can't force words out of my head if they aren't there.

Anyways. I would like you guys to tell me what you would like to know of me in this blog.

It can be requests on topics you want me to discuss, videos you want me to do, pictures, tutorials, advice.. whatever... It's up to you ^^

Just write a comment here on this topic, or on one of the following pages:

facebook.com/AnneKayleigh

vampirefreaks.com/cute_and_innocent

formspring.me/cuteandinnocent

I think this is going to be fun : D

Thank you in advance.

- Kayleigh <3